I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”