I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
For anyone who needs this today
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”