angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You Might Also Like
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
#Caturday
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.