I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Flock of bats
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.