Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy