My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
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FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The asteroid..
I’m crying im so happy for them