When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
You Might Also Like
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks