The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.