I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
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Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
6. me as a lawyer
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”