This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
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Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
one last job
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.