Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
You Might Also Like
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo