Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.