Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
So true for me
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.