Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever