7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“you recording!?”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)