Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
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Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
See..?
.