caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Strange
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Still cracks me up
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
that’s really how it is
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.