him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
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I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat