I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
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Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
SF is the wild wild west man
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.