Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”