They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
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mumsnet is amazing
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
multitasking lunch
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.