I’m having an out of money experience.
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I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?