I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
You Might Also Like
me linking you to my twitter
(2022)
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!