Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
You Might Also Like
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.