[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You Might Also Like
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]