“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
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Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
No regrets in 2018
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.