There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
You Might Also Like
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.