You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I can also cook 😂
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I am a gravy boat captain
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life