[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
live long and prosper!
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio