“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Need this in my life lol
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words