Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”