The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The Compass
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.