[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
You Might Also Like
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.