I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You Might Also Like
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement