I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone