When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.