if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
You Might Also Like
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.