@funTweeters
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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Most fashion shows these days…
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!