Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
$4 #usedbooks
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date