My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.