I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
watergate? u mean a dam??
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder