FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
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[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.