11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
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absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Owl Sanctuary
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right