[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
You Might Also Like
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.