In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.