How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.