the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”