Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
when there are deer in the woods
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
The internet is full of many things
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.