I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.