I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
#DesignFail
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”